Cosby takes a bath
by T.S. Orangepanties
Summary: Bill Cosby falls asleep in the shower, and sneaky Rudy plays a funny fun trick on him!


Shot of Cliff lying on the couch, watching television.

Claire: "Cliff, I thought I asked you to wash the dishes."

Cliff: I'll do that when I'm good and ready!

Claire: (Looks sternly) Now, cliff…

Cliff: I understand you're the hardworking African American woman who believes she can tell everyone what to do, (In a low, calm voice) but if you ask me to take out the dishes again, I will strangle you to death.

Audience starts to laugh, but stops. Someone in the audience yells "What the hell?"

Cliff: And why do you keep calling me Cliff? I told you, my name is Bill Cosby."

Clair: (Making a scared face) "I'm going to go do important lawyer stuff now. But don't think this is over. You know I control you… (Claire runs for her life up the stairs)

Rudy enters

Rudy: Daddy, how does the television work?

Bill Cosby: Well, there are the silver robots in there and they have the silver buttholes and when the silver buttholes touch the silver robot penises it creates gay robot electricity that makes the picture appear.

Rudy: That's not true!

Bill Cosby: I understand you're the hardworking African American woman who believes she can tell everyone what to do, (In a low voice) but if you ask me to take out the dishes again, I will strangle you to death.

Rudy runs off crying.

Malcolm Jamal Warner enters, bruises all across his face

"Dad, I don't know how to tell you this…ah, I'll just say it. Y' see, I was at the park and some kids…they beat me up. They called me- a, a nigger. What should I do dad? I went to my teacher, but she's white, and she said that this is just the way things are supposed to be. I can't- I refuse to believe that, dad!

Bill Cosby: Have I ever told you the story of watermelon Joe? The kids called him Watermo Joe. Watermo joe used to walk down the streets and randomly slide his finger up the crack of people's asses. But one day when watermo jo tried to get me I clenched really hard and trapped his finger in my ass. But ya see, the reason we called the man watermo joe was because was a black man and back then black men always loved their watermelon, and their huge packages of fried chicken and greens, and also that guy on the uncle ben's rice box used to make a face like this (Makes a face where his eyes are really wide and mouths the word "Sodomy") But the thing about aunt jemima is that when I was young I fantasized about her in bed and put some of her maple syrup on my penis. Well wouldn't you know, I attracted fire ants! So there I am with fire ants crawlin' up my penis, and-

People in the audience begin leaving, the floor lights come on in the studio.

Malcolm Jamal Warner: I'm glad you're only my father on the show.

--- Scene 2, in the kitchen. All the children are sitting at the table, waiting for dinner.

That middle child that nobody cares about: Dad, I'm starving! How about some chow!

Bill Cosby: Just a minute children…

Cosby opens the cabinet, revealing infinite boxes of Jell-O. The children rip open all the drawers, revealing more and more boxes of Jell-O. Everywhere they look, in the closet- in the pots and pans, Jell-O. Bill opens a pot and sets it down.

Cosby: Now my little nigger babies, I want you to eat your Jell-O.

Rudy: Dad, I want some real food!

Bill's face turns blood red, he begins to twitch

Cosby: Jell-O…Not…real…food…

Rudy: I'm sorry dad I'm sorry!

Cosby places his hand on the table, grabs a large sharpened hatchet. Bracing, he closes his eyes and brings it down. Blood splatters the fine linoleum table as his pinky finger flies across the room.

People in the audience begin calling 9-1-1

Cosby: Each time, you say Jell-O's not real food, I'm gonna cut off one more of my fingers…you wouldn't wanna hurt your daddy, would you? Now...eat your dinner.

The children begin shoveling the Jello in their mouths. 23 minutes later, Jello spatters the walls and windows. Rudy is crying. Malcolm Jamal Warner is passed out in a pool of vomit. The middle child is praying to Jesus.

Cosby: I hope you's praying to black Jesus, 'cause he the real one.

Claire Huxtable enters

Claire: Why are you feeding my babies Jell-O? That's not real food.

Cosby hacks off another finger

Claire: I don't have time for this. I am a hardworking black female lawyer who wears the pants in this family.

Cosby: The pants, and the vagina!

Claire: That doesn't make any sense

Cosby: …

…

…

…Jell-O vagina!

Claire leaves

Cosby: Have I ever told you all about the baseball player Sassel Page? He threw a hardball and I went to the baseball game and ordered foot long hotdogs that's a football long 'cause I have a naturally large penis being black man black. We would dance down the street, touching all the young boys inappropriately! Jell-O vagina!

Malcolm stares out the window…flames flicker on the reflection of it. The reflection of a burning cross can be seen on the glass, Malcolm's face sadly sneering behind it.

Malcolm: They're back, dad! What do we do, what do we do?

Cosby picks up a cane and begins dancing

Bill Cosby (Singing and dancing): A-what do we-a do- a what do we do- thirteen niggers on the barbeque!

Malcolm Jamal Warner: I'm calling the police!

Bill Cosby (Still dancing): Callin' up tha pigs, Callin' up tha pigs! a' 9-1-1 was government rigged!

Cosby advances on Malcolm Jamal Warner

Bill Cosby: Hey honkies! I got you some grade-A negrofied negro right here! Why one time I was cooking chili for the big chili cookoff but ma pants fell off and some woman yelled at my penis "I'll have a spicy bowl of that!" And sometimes in the parking lot I put on woman's panties and feed grapes to ducks to see if they lesbians! Back in the day we spelled corn with a "k" but some rock band stole it and long story short I now listen to vegetables on the radio!

Malcolm: Get away from me…ah…ah…Jell-O's not real!

A bloody finger flies across the table as Malcolm runs.

Cosby: A nice, steamy bath will cool these dancy jazzbones of mine!

Cosby dances up the stairs, trailing blood.

Cosby: A' Doop a dee, dot doobley doo!

--- Scene 3, the bathroom

Shot of Bill Cosby, naked in the shower, jerking off. At the side of the bath, a bottle of aunt jemima's syrup sits with the words "Jell-O vagina" scribbled on them.

Bill Cosby: Ya know, auntie Jo, when I was little there was a boy named Hickory Garbonzo. He used to play his bongos and his momma used to say boy stop playing them bongos but hickory just beat it harder until his penis had sores and cuts then he had sex with a lemon and cried but if you ever tried drinking a dog you'd know they don't fit through the straw chicken pot pie is better when it's made of marijuana I once had a sandwich so good that I orgasmed for ten days and by the third day My penis was making weird gargling noised but I covered it with a ham sandwhich but someone bit the ham sandwich and long story short now I'm not allowed to be governer of Minnesota stupid black state one time my wife made me sell the couch I said butthole I'm not selling my couch and I stabbed her but the thing about umbrellas is that they're….

Cosby drifts off…falling asleep in the tub of piping hot water.

--- Six hours pass.

Theo enters…a distraught look on his face.

Theo: What is it Rudy? I have finals tomorrow and Becky Valadeggo still won't call me. Dad keeps telling her I'm a virgin. It's true, but I don't know why he has to tell her.

Rudy: I played a trick on daddy! A funny fun trick!

Theo: (Giggling) I bet you did. What'd you do? Hide his shoes? Put makeup on his face while he's sleeping?

Rudy: Nope! While daddy was sleeping in the bathtub, I poured hundreds of packets of Jell-O in there with him!

Theo: That's a great prank! Boy, he'll be mad when he wakes up!

Shot of Bill Cosby's dead, crystallized carcass lying stiffly frozen in the pool of green Jell-O.

The remaining children in the audience begin crying. Credits roll.

A deep a' dop a doodley doo!


End file.
